


Magnus Archives Telefund AU

by Gia_my_roommate



Series: Written by someone who has not listened to TMA [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Jon still starts the apocalypse, Telefund AU, no one dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:46:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23985523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gia_my_roommate/pseuds/Gia_my_roommate
Summary: The Magnus Archives Telefund AU was written by someone who has not once willingly listened to The Magnus Archives, but has worked at a Telefund.The Magnus Archives but it’s a telefund instead of an archive and all of the avatars went to college at Magnus University.
Series: Written by someone who has not listened to TMA [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729438
Comments: 21
Kudos: 55





	1. Nikola Orsonov Is Not Available

Jonathan Sims sighed as he walked into work at 4:55 pm and sat at computer number #7 next to Martin, in front of the white board that said the iconic line: Statement Begins, is this The Hunt? -Gertrude. Classic. 

“Hello Jon..” Martin said, distantly.

“Martin, Martin look at me.” Jon begged

“I...I was all on my own. I’ve been calling non-donors since 1 pm. I was all on my own.”

“Don’t worry. I’m here Martin.” Jon said

“Attention everyone, we’re starting announcements. Remember, we want statements about Magnus University, and most importantly we want to remember to do upgrade asks.” Elias said

“Suck a cock!” Melanie said and tried to stab him.

“No stabbing until you get a credit card! For the last time, you get to attempt to kill me only AFTER getting one credit card. If you get two you get a bag of crisps.” Elias said. 

Melanie grumbled before settling herself at computer #20 next to Sasha. 

“Jon, you’re calling Sub Op Lybunts today. Remember to build repoor statements.” Elias said

“Alright.” Jon sighed and tried to log in. 

Invalid password. 

‘Every goddamn time’ Jon thought, annoyed, and attempted to log in again. 

Success.

Jon hit the call button.

“‘Ello?” The person answered.

Damn, first answer. Jon had hoped to do homework today. 

“May I speak with Nicola Orsonov?” 

“Who is this?”

“This is Jon, a student calling from Magnus University. I’m just calling to update your contact information, get your statement about Magnus-“

“Oh is this Magnus Telefund? Do you work for Elias? Hi Elias!”

“Ah yes, now if you don’t mind we get on with the-“

“Oh of course! So Elias, can I call you Elias? Let me set the scene for my time at Magnus. I know you can’t actually see this. I’m tied to a chair, Sarah wanted to nail me down, but I talked her out of it because I’m a good friend. And I am absolutely surrounded by wax figures-“

“Would you like to donate to Magnus University or not?” Jon snapped, face red.

“You know, I must say Elias, can I call you Elias? You have not raised this one very well. He is rude. And he will not stop asking questions. Ooh but now I can ask the questions! How are you feeling?” 

“This is clearly a bad time for you. Goodbye.” Jon hung up the phone. 

“What was that?” Martin asked

“Oh, not available.” Jon replied.

“JON!” 

“I believe Elias was listening to that one.” Martin provided, helpfully.


	2. I Can’t Hear You Elias, I’m on the Phone

“Remember everyone, make sure there are no alternative numbers before clicking disconnect. I’m the one that has to go through them so we are trying to keep disconnects are minimum.” Elias finished the daily news.

Martin looked at computer number 7 sadly, Jon was still out after hanging up on Orsonov. 

“Martin, you’re on parents today!” Elias shouted at him. 

Martin was done with this stupid job. Elias put him in the parents calling-pool for the last time. 

Well, now he’d do something.

“Alright, time to do this.” Martin decided looking at Elias, who was clicking through something.

“Ivo Lensik.” Martin hit call, hung up, and hovered over the complete call tab. 

Martin took a deep breath in.

“Disconnect.” Martin tapped the button and the next Magnus Alumni to call appears on screen.

“Harold Silvana. You’ll do. Disconnect.”

Martin began to get into it.

“Dylan Anderson. Yeah? Disconnect.”

Martin smiled to himself.

“Disconnect. Disconnect. Disconnect.” Martin kept on clicking.

Elias’s head snapped up from the computer to Martin.

“Martin, Martin! Stop pressing disconnect unless they are actually disconnects!”

“Sorry Elias, I can’t hear you. I’m on the phone!” 

“Martin, I don’t have time for this.”

Martin clicked disconnect. 

This was hours of work Elias would have to spend on sorting through disconnects to see if they were actually disconnects. 

“Then maybe you should make time.”

“Martin. Logout. NOW.”

“Oh, you can’t just empty my calling pool?”

“Martin!”

“I’m not stopping any time soon. Too many disconnects.” 

Elias began working on his computer, desperate to get Martin off the phone. 

“I would hurry though, if I were you.”


	3. Saint Jonah Magnus

“Martin! Logout!” Elias called “You’re doing True Blue’s!”

Martin gave a thumbs up, before logging out and logging in again. 

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

“Hello, you’re reached the voicemail of-”

Martin clicked Answering Machine and moved on to the next alumni.

Ring. Ring.

“Hello?”

“Hello, may I please speak with Peter Lukas?”

“Oh god, is this Magnus Telafund?” 

“Yes, umm my name is Martin. We’re calling to-”

“Get donations I know. Tell you what, I’ll give you $20,000 right now if you dispose of someone at your office right now.”

“Umm who would that be?”

“Saint Jonah Magnus!”

“Saint Jonah Magnus? The founder of Magnus University is a saint? Also already dead.” 

“Well he’s there. And I want you to get rid of his eyes...”

Martin blinked. 

“Right...and where are his eyes?” Martin wondered if this is a privacy manager of some sort. 

“Where they always are, Martin.” Martin jumped at the sound of Elias’s voice. 

Elias held his phone up to his ear, listening in.   
“Watching over my Magnus telefund.”

Martin vaguely wondered if Elias was doing drugs. It so, Martin thought, it was probably for the best. 

“Is Elias listening, Martin?” 

Martin tried to move away from whatever was happening in the conversation. 

“Do you mind we just update your-”

“Come on now Martin, I would have thought you’d jump at the chance to make thousands on card.” Elias smirked.

Martin looked between the screen and Elias, wondering if it’s too late to mark this call as not available.

“It’s okay Martin. You can take all the time in the world to ask me. But the answer will be the same unless you get his eyes. And I’ll know if you don’t.” Peter said. 

“I don’t believe you.” Martin says boldly. “And if I do kill Elias, will the others be fired? I can’t risk Jon’s job. He’s in so much student debt.”

“Martin, do you not want that pay bump?” Peter asked “Do you not have your own debts?” 

Martin thought for a moment.

“Alright. I’ll do it.” Martin said “After the call. If I’m on too long-“

“Yes, yes the higher ups get pissy. Come on with it.” Peter said.

“Mr. Lukas, we’re calling to ask for donations. see you’ve donated to the Study Abroad fund in the past-”

“$40,000 to that fund. On Visa.” 

“Great! Thank you for your commitment of $40,000 to the Study Abroad scholarship...” Martin walked through the donation process, pleased with himself as the credit card went through.

“You should be receiving confirmation in the mail.” 

“Great, now about taking his eyes-”

“Oh I’m not doing that.” Martin said brightly.

“Martin, I just gave you money. Now is not the time for your petulance.”

“I know, thank you. But I never agreed to anything, and you sound crazy. I just said what you wanted to hear so you’d give to Magnus.”

“I see. Was this your doing Elias? Your training?” Peter asked

“Hardly. I sat in on Jon’s calling. All of this was because of Jon. And you fell for it.”

“I warned you Peter.” Elias smiled smugly to himself.

“Thank you for taking your time to speak with me, and have a nice day.” Martin hung up. 

“Good job Martin. Want a stab at me?” Elias asked. 

“No, I think I’ll save up and get some crisps.” 

“Alright. How much did you get off him?”

“$40,000.”

“Only $40,000? That cheap whistle.” Elias grumbled.

Martin returned to calling.


	4. Jon was kidnapped and no one cares

“Jon, you cannot hang up on Magnus Alumni!” Elias snapped “When’s your next callback?”

“Next month. Either Michael Crew or someone named Helen I believe. Can’t really remember which. Wanted to wait til their next pay check.”

“Don’t come in until your next callback.” Elias seethed.

. . . 

"Look, Jon, I understand you're upset." Elias said

"You wouldn't let me work for a month Elias. I had no income! I have rent to pay! Not that THAT mattered because the insane woman kidnapped me! I was in a warehouse!” 

"Jon, I did everything I could for you, but you hung up on a woman that donates thousands yearly." Elias explained, Jon snorted dismissively. 

"Besides, everyone was busy working. it's Magnus’ month of giving. If I made a thing out of your mess everyone would have assumed I'd killed you and I imagine Martin's calling would have been sloppier." 

"Imagine how well he'd do if I wasn't told to take time off." Jon bit, "I am sick of you always making us be nice to those THINGS we call, and I am sick of hoping the next person I call is not going to state the intention to kill me or act on it!” 

Elias scoffed at Jon's rant. 

"I am sorry, Jon, that my powers have not yet reached that level of omniscience. And I am sorry that I have to spend so much time trying to help you develop the ability to talk on the phone, like a child. You have a job to do Jon, so get smiling and dialing."

"If you're going to be of no use, fine. But I have a mile long list of Gertrude's callbacks and without some help I'm screwed. I have to call back something called "The Beholding", and the description for it is: Don't ever call back and there is no other information. Did this "Beholding" even go to Magnus University?"  
"I don't know, Gertrude got very good at making sure I never checked in with her." Elias said

"How embarrassing for you. What should I-" 

"I'll see if I can find more information for you to work with in the future Jon. Despite your little incident, you're up for becoming Lead Caller and I would rather this not happen again. Now, Melanie is on her way up here with a knife. Her shift is starting soon. Could you talk with her for me?"

"What?"

"I've been putting her in non-donors. She's upset she isn't getting pay bumps. She thinks if she can overpower me she can switch her calling pools. She's wrong, of course, but I'd like to avoid being stabbed unless someone gets a card."'

"She's outright trying to kill you?”

Melanie entered the calling center.   
"Elias, hi, I was thinking...." Melanie makes eye contact with Jon. "What are you doing back here?"

"Put down the knife, Melanie." Jon raises his hands as non-threatening as possible.

"Get out of my way! You haven't even been here, you haven't heard the pretentious FUCKS I've had to talk to! One man chanted Borris Johnson's name at me for ten minutes!"

“Elias suspended me and I was kidnapped!”

Melanie paused for a moment.

“Oh, that sucks. Sorry.” Melanie twirled the knife. “But I’m still going to kill him, so if you don’t move I’ll make you.” 

"If you can just get a single credit card you can try and stab him." Jon said and Melanie huffed, putting her knife away.

"Thank you, Jon." Elias smugly said.

Jon and Melanie sat down and got to calling, both wishing they could quit


	5. What Happened to Gertrude

“Gertrude. I’d like to talk to you in my office.” Elias said. 

Gertrude took off her headset and secured her gun before heading in Elis’s office. 

Gertrude shut the door behind her as she entered.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?”

“Well, I’d hope not. I rather hoped all those disconnects would have drawn your attention.”

“Quite. It was a good plan, if I didn’t notice all those disconnects were from you I would have fallen for it. Now though, I think it is time you take some time off to explore your options.”

“Oh, so you’re finally getting rid of me hmm? Not like you to go through all the paper work of firing someone.”

“Mmm, well you know, fifty years is a long time for one person to be a student in college. I think it’s time we end this little era of Magnus telefund.” 

“I’m really not in the mood for nostalgia, Elias. You may not recall but I am in Undergrad Lybunts, so either fire me or-”

Elias handed her a slip. 

“Huh, and here I thought being fired would hurt more.”

“Pity.” Elias sighed


	6. Jon Gets Worm Scars

“Alright Jon, now that you’ve completed training you’ll be listening into phone calls.” Elias led to Jon to computer #7 where the oldest college student Jon has ever seen sat with a headset on. 

“Alright, $100 dollars is too much for you?” The woman took out a gun. “I don’t think it is. I think you just don’t want to give back to the school. You think I’m scared of your architecture major? I had a friend who had the same major. He’s gone now. You can do $100.” 

“Great! We’re accepting all donations via credit or debit....”

“Have fun with Gertrude.” Elias said and left Jon with the woman.

Jon sat down next to her, staring at the gun nervously.

“You must be the new caller.”

“Umm yes.” Jon said 

“Great. Just listen in and follow my lead.” Gertrude said, hitting the call button

“Hello?”

“Hello, may I speak with Jane Prentiss?” 

“Yes this is she. Who is this?”

“My name is Gertrude. I’m a student caller from DePaul University. How are you doing this evening?” 

“I itch all the time. Deep beneath my skin, where the bone sits, enshrined in flesh, I feel it. Something, not moving but that wants to move. Wants to be free. It itches, and I don’t think I want it. I don’t know what to do.”

Gertrude rolled her eyes.

Jon nervously eyed the cockroaches that began to crawl out from under the table. 

“Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. Do recall why you choose to go to Magnus?” 

Jon tried to wack a roach on the wall, only for worms to fall out onto him. 

Jon shot back from his seat, cheap headset barely staying on. 

None of this phased Gertrude.

“There is a wasps’ nest in my attic. A fat, sprawling thing that crouches in the shadowed corner. It thrums with life and malice. I could sit there for hours, watching the swirls of pulp and paper on its surface. I have done. It is not the patterns that enthrall me, I’m not one of those fools chasing fractals; no, it’s what sings behind them. Sings that I am beautiful. Sings that I am a home. That I can be fully consumed by what loves me. I’m sorry, I know I’m meant to be telling you what happened. What brought me to this place. This place of books and learning, of sight and beholding. I’m sorry. I should. I will.“

Tim ran over to help Jon, who was being attacked by worms, only to get a worm on himself.

The two men were panicking and cursing very loudly.

“Shut it you two, I’m on call. Jon sit your ass back down.” Gertrude snapped.

The two obeyed, Jon tried to ignore the sensation of worms digging into his skin. 

“Oh that’s alright. So you know we’re also calling about donations. Would you like to donate $100 to the General Scholarship fund? It helps students like myself be able to afford to go here.”

“...yeah okay.”

Jon looked at Gertrude in amazement, the worms fell off his face. 

After completing the call Gertrude turned to Jon, who was bleeding heavily from his face. 

“If they say no and don’t give a reason, burn their house down.” Gertrude said, very seriously.


	7. Jon is Lead Caller

After waking up from being in a coma, Jon thought his work would he lenient on him. 

He was wrong. He had to make up all the hours he missed from the months of coma. 

Jon walked into the office and sat down at computer number 7 next to Melanie.

"Melanie, it's been a while. It's good to-"

Melanie jumps back, looking at Jon with shock and than anger.

"Get away from me." She seethes

"What? Melanie, it's me. I haven't been in for a while but-"

"Oh let me guess, you're back for good now? Back to your happy little new job?"

"What?"

"Tim is in non-donors, DAISY is in non-donors, and you're what, you just get to be lead caller now?" 

"What-no! I've been in the hospital for six months!"

"SOMETHING has been in the hospital. Something with your face, I warned Basira that you'd take the Lead Caller position and leave all of us in the dust. Even hospitalized you were a threat!" 

"I don't understand, you're not making any sense. Basira, what's going on?!" Jon turns to Basira, who had just walked into the telefund.

"You were made lead caller before Elias got arrested. You should have been here Jon, because of you all of us have been in shit calling pools. You were the only one who could change them and you weren't HERE Jon."

Melanie stormed off, and Jon wondered if it was his job now to mark her late if she was not back in time.

Since he was now an avatar of the beholding, Jon knew the answer was yes.


	8. Martin in The Lonely of Non-Donors

Jon groaned as another answering machine played. Martin sat silently beside him.

"It's okay Martin, we'll get through this calling pool together."

". . ." Martin did not respond.

"Hello?" Someone answered, Jon shot up.

"Hello? May I please speak with. . . Peter Lukas?"

"I am not here. No one is. It's only you." Jon groaned, it was one of these assholes.

"Alright, well hopefully no one can answer some questions about his time at Magnus University."

"Hang up the phone. You've done your job."

Jon was about to respond, when he noticed Martin was leaving an empty voicemail.

"MARTIN!" Martin didn't even jolt, simply clicked Answering Machine.

"Just hang up. I won't tell you no, but I also won't hang up. You'd be on the phone for such a long time for nothing."

"Shut up." Jon turned to Martin. "Martin, Martin, speak to me. I'm right here, I'm in non-donors too!"

"It's too late Jon. Martin has succumbed to the Lonely of non-donors." Peter said 

"How could you possibly...alright. You want a phone call? Give me your statement about Magnus University, Peter Lukas." Two could play at this game.

Jon willed his beholding powers, however those worked. 

"No."

"I see you majored in Business. Tell me what led you there."

“NO.”

"TELL ME!"

"NO!"

"Would you like to show your support tonight to the school of Business? Students like myself really benefit from it."

"Don't you dare." 

"Tell me, or else I will rip an answer out of you."

"I WON’T.”

"Answer my question! Do you want to give $100 TO THE GENERAL SCHOLARSHIP FUND?!"  
Jon put all his power into this ask. 

"I WILL GIVE YOU $100! And after that, take me off of your calling list permanently." Peter bit.

"Fool." Jon smirked as he marked the number as do not call after retrieving the credit card information.

"Jon...." Martin whispered, Jon's neck nearly snapped with how quick he turned his head.

"Martin, listen to me-"

"That was a True Blue callback, Jon." 

Jon froze as he looked at the donation history. He went from thousands to $100 and a do-not call. There goes his pay bump.


	9. Jon Starts the Apocalypse

Jon sighed, it was 10 pm and he was still calling disconnects. He sent Martin home 10 minutes ago and did not realize how bored he'd be without him.

"Alright. Hazel Rutter, pyrotechnics major, graduated 1992. Marked Disconnect by....Elias?" 

Jon narrowed his eyes in suspicion, but hit call anyway. 

"Hello, Jon." Jon jolted at the voice, the phone didn't even ring.

"Apologies for the deception, but I wanted to make sure you started the call when you were alone. I am assuming you're alone, you always did prefer to call disconnects by yourself. I wouldn't try too hard to hang up, you'll likely just hurt yourself. Now, why don't we update my contact information? The name you have for this call is wrong. Update it to Jonah Magnus.”  
Jon's hands moved on its own practically as he updated the information.

"When this call is over you shall be receiving a phone call Jon, from someone very important. The one who watches and knows and understands none. The one who listens and hears and will never comprehend. The one who will wait and wait and drink in all that is not yours by right. Allow it to come to us in it's wholeness and donate it's perfection. Bring all that is fear and all that is terror and all that is the awful dread that crawls and chokes and blinds and falls and twists and leaves and hides and weaves and burns and hunts and rips and leads and dies! It shall donate all of that to US! ANSWER THE PHONE AND GET THE DONATION!" 

The line went dead. 

Jon's heart beat loudly in his ears as he was met with fourteen seconds of silence before his phone rang. 

Jon is unable to resist the call, and answers.  
"This is Jon, a student being called from Magnus University..."  
. . .

BONUS: 

“Am I monster?”

“No,” Elias said “You’re a telefund caller.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have never once willingly listened to TMA, all exposure has been through my roommate.
> 
> This is Unbeta’d because why would I?


End file.
